A peek into the world of a Scunt, Or there and back again.

The Ultimate Battle for the Goblet of Fire, Or there and back again.

2009-08-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I am currently on a family vacation on the shores of Eire (Erie), Pennsylvania which has given me an ungodly amount of time to write this blog under the constant chatter of my grandma. The idea of this blog surfaced at a party when me and a friend were having a simple debate over who would win in a duel between Dumbledore and Gandalf then it struck me…… Instead of having a simple duel between two characters, why not make it the most over the top battle royale ever to hit the world of fantasy. I am going to warn you here reader, I have dug deep into the terminology, characters and references of both Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter (with some random other special guests) for some of these descriptions. My level of nerd will surely skyrocket after reading this. Honestly, there are only about four people I know that will be able to connect to every reference I make in this blog. Saying that, I hope you take out of this blog what you will and I hope you enjoy it although you might not be able to soak in all of the content. So I invite you now to come take a trip with me down the trail of ridiculous, honestly if you are neither a Harry Potter fan or a Lord of the Rings fan, stop here and save yourself A LOT of time.

Modern day 2012. The Roman Coliseum has been renovated and relocated to Minneapolis, Minnesota and is renamed the Hubert H. Metrodome II. This stadium is the most bad ass fighting stadium in all eternity, complete with retractable roof. It is dusk, you know that it is always the darkest before dawn as you walk up to this stadium knowing that you are about to see the most epic battle of all time between Lord of the Rings characters, Harry Potter Characters, and a few other random characters from other things. As you approach the stadium, it is like you are on your way to the Quidditch World Cup or the gates of Baradur themselves, whatever fits you best, hopefully not the latter. The anticipation builds as you hear “Requiem for a Dream” playing on the loudspeakers on the path leading up to the stadium (see music). You settle into your seats with a tall pint of Butterbeer and a loaf of Lembas bread to share with whomever company you share this magical night. Requiem fades to a gentle lull and then the action begins and “Just Like You Imagined” by Nine Inch Nails blasts over the loudspeakers and is continued to be played on a loop until the dust settles (change song to “Just Like you Imagined” right now) When “Clubbed to Death” is played randomly during the battles, time slows down and everything is in slow motion for the audience. Strap on your seat belts, here we go. (some of the pictures posted are way too small, so click them for a larger more lush version.)

Harry Potter vs. Frodo Baggins

Location- Steel Cage center of Coliseum floor

Stipulations- No magic is allowed inside of the steel cage for the main event. Frodo is allowed Sting, while Harry is allowed the sword of Gryffindor

Pregame- Frodo keeps asking Bilbo for a speech in the locker room. Bilbo curtly declines. Sam Gamgee peeps his head in the locker room and reassures Frodo that he will have a nice bowl of Old Toby packed when the match is over. Harry retreats to the room of requirements where he has Ginny Weasley tie his untied shoelace while he practices his patronus charm over and over again although he knows that there is no magic allowed and that he is indeed not fighting a dementor. Harry then swallows a handful of gillyweed and chases it with a brisk double shot of everclear and says with a smug grin on his face “thanks dudders” and heads out to the steel cage.

How it goes down- After staring at eachother for approximately 10 minutes neither party willing to make the first move due to fear, Harry’s childish arms get tired of holding the far too heavy sword of Gryffindor which allows Frodo to charge at Harry with a high pitched squeal and land a heavy blow from sting right square on the lightning bolt of Harry’s forehead causing Harry to have a migraine so intense that he is forced into a coma where he will have nightmares about Voldemort for the next six months. Harry awakes naked in a cardboard box on Diagon Alley and continues to cry about his parents in front of the Mirror of Erised for the rest of eternity in poverty.

Winner- Frodo Baggins

Sam Gamgee vs. Ron Weasley

Location- Steel Cage center floor (sharing with Harry and Frodo)

Stipulations- Ron is allowed scampers and Sam is allowed tobacco pipe (see picture)

Pregame- Ron is caught in a dilema about which ugly sweater he wants to wear from his mom. Sam is trying to eavesdrop on Ron while he chooses his sweater--unsuccessful.

How it goes down- Sam is in the corner smoking his pipe cooly staring down an obviously very nervous Ron. Ron throws his rat at Sam like a girl, who, without breaking his stare knocks down the flying rodent with ease. Sam finishes off the last tokes of his Old Toby, slowly puts down his pipe, rolls up his sleeves, and says right to Ron’s face, “This is for my old Gaffer” and spears Ron to the ground and pins him 1, 2, 3. The match is over in a little under 30 seconds which allows Sam to casually walk back to his pipe and watch the 10 minute pussy stalemate between Frodo and Harry. Knowing that Frodo surely can’t lose to a child, Sam packs his pipe with 80x salvia for his dear friend; he is going to get that little fucker, and he is going to get him good.

Winner- Sam Gamgee

Dumbledore vs. Gandalf the Grey

Location- On top of the steel cage

Stipulation- Magic allowed in a no holds barred buried alive match

Pregame- Both Dumbledore and Gandalf are on top of the steel cage staring at each other mysteriously. Dumbledore is slowly eating lemon drops while Gandalf is blowing smoke rings and smoke ships of Old Toby at Dumbledore tauntingly. Dumbledore is turned on by this “bad boy persona” and becomes slightly attracted to Gandalf and pulls out his Pensieve to capture his current though of Gandalf naked on top of a steel cage. Gandalf knows that Dumbledore is trying to get in his pants and responds to Dumbledore with a booming “ You shall not pass!” marking his heterosexuality with authority.

How it goes down- Dumbledore starts the match off by winking at Gandalf and slowly reaches into his chest pocket for another lemon drop to offer his opponent for good taste. Gandalf has had enough with this gay shit and throws the killing curse at Dumbledore (Yes, Gandalf knows the killing curse, he is that damn good) Dumbledore quickly counters and the two are locked in a classic wizards duel, who could have seen this coming…? The two are locked in this duel for quite some time until Gandalf’s dominating masculinity starts taking over and the match slowly goes Gandalf’s way. Gandalf has Dumbledore on his knees (sexual innuendo intended) and has a death stare into Dumbledore’s eyes, he has won this match and whispers seducingly into Dumbledore’s ear, “When the sun rises, look to the east.” If Dumbledore was attracted to Gandalf the Grey, then he will certainly take a fancy to Gandalf the White as well. In the last seconds of Dumbledore’s life, he curls his mouth into a sly grin and takes one last sexy wink at Gandalf and explodes into a burst of pink dust.

Winner- No decision--No one was buried alive.

Smeagol/Gollum vs. Doby and Kreacher the house elves.

Location- The catwalk of the retractable roof

Pregame- Smeagol is spotted in the septic pipes of the large stadium wildly throwing feces around singing riddles to himself and laughing sporadically. He seems oh so happy, no one can break this trance. Doby is busy making food for the near 14.5 million people in attendance while Kreacher is standing in the corner of a very dark room muttering obscenities and insults towards mudbloods under his breath.

How it goes down- Doby conjures a plate of turkey and gravy out of thin air and throws the plate at Smeagol. Smeagol snaps, causing him to flip on the Gollum switch and proceeds to fly at Doby and eat off Doby’s right ring finger. Doby and Gollum both grab a hold of eachothers throat and take turns exchanging headbutt after headbutt until both of them are knocked unconscious. Kreacher is unamused by these events and starts muttering insults about how he thinks Gollum is an anorexic house elf under his breath away from the action.

Winner- Kreacher

Lucius Malfoy vs. Haldir and Legolas

Location- Main floor outside of the steel cage

How it goes down- The battle begins by Lucius throwing a dirty sock at Haldir which Legolas shoots out of midair with his bow almost the instant it comes out of Lucius's hands. Haldir then comments on Lucius's beautiful long blond hair and questions him about what product he uses. Lucius is almost knocked off his feet by this compliment and, spying a folding chair nearby, asks Haldir if he would like him to comb his hair. Haldir accepts, and the three take turns combing each others hair while talking about life and how gay and how much of a failure Lucius's son is.

Winner- Lucius Malfoy, Haldir, Legolas, and long blond Hair

Sirius Black vs. Michael Vick

Location- Dog pit next to steel cage

Stipulation- Dogfight. The ministry of magic has forced Michael Vick to take the shape of a poodle and dogfight mass murderer Sirius Black in his animagus form as a black grim

How it goes down- The poodle is seen jumping and yelping in an attempt to escape the dog fighting ring. The grim has foam drooling from its mouth and slowly approaches the helpless poodle with much anger. In one fell swoop, the grim takes out the poodle with the most vicious takedown anyone inside the stadium has ever seen. The following sequence of events is too explicit to put into words. The crowd erupts in cheers.

Winner- Sirius Black as the Grim

Sorcerers Stone vs. One ring to rule them all

Location- A long buffet table next to the steel cage(I have a current obsession with large tables and would like to have a potluck dinner party on one in the near future, either ignore this comment or ask Joebama for more details)

How it goes down- Both objects lay motionless. Slowly but surely, the one ring is being pulled towards the sorcerers stone. Within the blink of an eye, the ring envelops the stone and both objects disappear into thin air. I will let the reader reach their own conclusions about the symbolism and meaning behind this result.

Nazgul vs. Dementor

Location- Main floor

Pregame- In a tunnel outside of the stadium, the Dementor finishes what he started in the Order of the Phoenix and eats Dudley Dursley's soul with a juicy Dementor's kiss. After this event, Dudley now walks around as a fat kid with a permanent stupid look on his face; he has now lost the ability to speak and still bears the pig tail that Hagrid placed on his sorry ass that fateful night that Harry turned 11. Nazgul is in a stable force feeding diesel gasoline to his dragon, this is how it and every other dragon is able to breathe fire.

How it goes down- Nazgul is walking slowly towards the buffet table that holds the ring of power, this creature has one goal and one goal only. Out of nowhere the Dementor starts flying around the Nazgul annoyingly as it readies itself to make its move in for a kiss. For about five strides the Nazgul ignores the Dementor as it keeps its eye on the prize. The Dementor then swoops in to plant its infamous Dementors kiss on the Nazgul in an attempt to take its soul. The Nazgul snags the Dementor by the throat and brings it within mere inches of its face teasingly asking for this "kiss", the Nazgul does not have any soul to offer to this inferior species since that train left in the year 2,251 of the Second Age. After impaling the Dementor's face five times with its sword, the Nazgul throws the Dementor against the steel cage and continues on to the buffet table only to reach the ring a few seconds too late before it disappears into oblivion. The Nazgul slowly turns its head towards the being that caused it to be seconds too late, it has a new purpose now: to exterminate all Dementor's. The Dementor summons the rest of the Dementor's in the world with a loud screech and retreats to Azkaban to begin fortifying for their last stand against the Nazgul and his ringwraiths.

Winner- Nazgul

Arwen and Galadriel vs. Bellatrix Lestrange and Molly Weasley

Location- Main floor

Arwen is hotttt

Pregame- In a locker room, Ginny Weasley is hard at work tying her mothers shoelaces while she debriefs Arwen and Galadriel on the bait and switch maneuver that they are going to pull on Bellatrix Lestrange. With shoelaces firmly tied, and an action plan ready to go,silence fills the room while Molly Weasley looks down as she paces the room to prepare a couple final words for the big battle; she stops, looks up at the attentive audience with a stern look on her face and proclaims, "It's time to send that bitch back where she came from. Back to hell." and continues to storm out to the battlefield with her troops following close behind. Five minutes before the match, Bellatrix is seen stumbling out of the backdoor of a local whorehouse named Sexworld II.

How it goes down- Arwen and Galadriel stand opposite Molly Weasley and Bellatrix Lestrange roughly 20 yards apart. Out of nowhere Ginny Weasley runs into the scene and begins tying Arwen and Galadriels shoelaces, it is all part of the plan. Bellatrix lets out a shriek of her bitch of a laugh and starts advancing in on the innocent and "unaware" Ginny Weasley. About five feet from Ginny, Molly Weasley abruptly stops Bellatrix by forcefully grabbing her mess of hair from behind. She pulls the wretch's ear close to her mouth and shouts "Not my daughter, you bitch!" and drops her with a cool Aveda Kedavra.

Loser- Bellatrix Lestrange

Elrond vs. Agent Smith

Location- The Matrix

Pregame- Bilbo Baggins plugs Elrond into a Matrix version of Rivendal to give him a false sense of having "home field advantage". This battle is being broadcast via the jumbotron since it takes place in the Matrix.

How it goes down- Upon arrival in the matrix, Agent Smith is already waiting for Elrond near a gentle waterfall in Rivendal and greets him with a slithery "Misssstttterrr Elrond. As the seconds pass, the number of Agent Smiths multiply tenfold and soon it is all Agent Smiths that fill the empty city of Rivendal, save Elrond of course. The crowd sees on the jumbo tron the last few shots of Elrond before he quickly drowns a sea of Agent Smiths as Bilbo notes the violent shaking of Elronds real body soon turn into a desolate motionless corpse. The match was literally over before it began due to the fact that Bilbo had no idea how to get Elrond out of the Matrix by dialing a phone in the Matrix because Bilbo simply does not know what a phone is.

Winner- Agent Smith(s)

Greybeard the Ent vs. The Whomping Willow vs. Oliver Wood

How it goes down- The whomping willow is filled with approximately 100 quaffles and 100 rogue bludgers dispersed through its many branches. The bludgers are violently hurled at a helpless Oliver Wood at the base of the tree, all of them landing a direct hit, knocking Oliver to the ground unconscious. The quaffles are then sent passed the immobile keeper and Lee Jordan flips the scoreboard to read Whomping Willow- 100 Gryffindor-0. Being the oldest living thing in Middle earth, Greybeard slowly creeps in on the Whomping Willow at a little under 1/2 mile per hour. The Whomping Willow takes a huge windup and knocks Greybeard all the way to the River Angren (Isen) where he belongs.

Winner- Whomping Willow

Uruk-hai vs. Fenrir Greyback vs. Brock Lesnar

Loacation- Boiler Room

Stipulation- Special Guest Referee Delores Umbridge

Pregame- There is instantly a bad vibe in the room with Umbridges presence. Uruk-Hai eats a small child (see picture), while Brock lesnar takes a nearby chainsaw and shotguns a keg of Coors Light and then throws the empty keg at Umbridge, calls her a dirty strumpet, walks over to her and gives her a mean F5. As she lies facedown, Uruk-Hai walks over and curbstomps Umbridge to confirm the kill. Meanwhile, Greyback has turned into a full Werewolf and finishes up Umbridge by viciously biting the words "I must not tell lies" into her back. The battle is now ready to begin.

How it goes down- All three boss hog diesels are staring intensely at one another in a triangle waiting for the first move to be made. Suddenly all three simultaneously start throwing haymakers at eachother one after another with full force without an inkling of a thought to throw up some sort of block in an act of defense. They are all taking these punches without showing any signs of letting down or weakness. Brock Lesnar finally decides to attempt an F5 on the Uruk-hai who intercepts him by the waist and pile drives him six feet under the ground. And Then there were two... Greyback and Uruk-hai both fly at eachother and collide midair with a powerful thud and continue to roll for a couple feet. The rolling stops and Uruk-hai ends up on top and begins to pumel greyback with punch after punch into submission. The Uruk-Hai then dips his hand into white paint and marks his opponents faces with the white hand. Sarumon would be proud.

Winner- Uruk-hai

Hagrid vs. Tom Bombadil vs. Hurley (From LOST)

Stipulation- Eating contest. The contestants may have their choice of food or drink to be consumed. Ruling will be determined by weighing out the food before and after. The contestant who has consumed the heaviest load will be claimed as the winner.

Food of choice-

Hagrid-20 liters of Fire whiskey and a 50 pound pink birthday cake that reads "Happy Birthday Harry" on it

Tom Bombadil- Since he is considered the master of wood, water, and hill. Tom has decided to tackle 20 gallons of water from the Withywindle river, the trunk of Old Man Willow, and a jar of dirt gathered outside of an Uglow (German for "low hill", gotta fit the definition of my name in somewhere) of the shire.

Hurley- The whole inventory of dharma beer and food from the island.

How it goes down- Hagrid makes the foolish mistake of crushing all 20 liters of Fire Whiskey in four minutes flat with no food as a base. The half giant ends up passing out with half of his cake on his trenchcoat and half unfinished muttering repeatedly to himself, "Your a wizard, Harry". Tom Bombadil begins merrily dancing while he consumes his water, wood, and dirt. Before long, he feels too bad about eating what he cares for so much, and begins entertaining the crowd by his illustrious ferry like dancing. While Hagrid and Tom Bombadil hold the crowds attention, Hurley secretly downs a mind blowing 500 pounds worth of Dharma beer and food, HE NEEDS TO GET BACK TO THE ISLAND FOR MORE FOOD!!! luckily Jack Shephard emerges through the crowd and extends the invitation back to the island for the fourtieth time, which he accepts grandiosely.

Winner- Hurley by a landslide, literally.

Balrog vs. Grawp the giant

Location- The brimstone of Hell

How it goes down- This one is quite obvious. Grawp playfully starts stumbling towards the Balrog who then takes the biggest windup and delivers the largest bitch slap which sends Grawp into another universe where he joins Frodo on the worst salvia trip ever.

Winner- Balrog

Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took vs. Fred and George Weasley

Location- Random concession stand

Pregame- Both hobbits sit in the Green Dragon express their fascination to one another that the beer comes in pints. There is actually a thirty second stretch of time during the giant battle where the whole stadium loses power and all 14.5 Million people in attendance get Rick Roll'd, followed shortly by the keyboard cat playing them off. This act of tom foolery is credited to none other than the Weasley twins.

How it goes down- Merry throws his pint of beer at the Weasley twins with enthusiasm and tells them, "This my friends is a pint." The Weasley twins counter by shoving canary creams, nosebleed nougats, puking pastilles, and ton-tongue toffees, down the hobbits throats. The next 15 minutes are spent by Fred and George laughing uncontrollably at the little hobbits go through bouts of diahrea, nosebleeds, puking, constapation, and uncontrallable bladders. After the hell fire ceases Pippin sits up and asks George when they will have breakfast, George responds by saying that they have already had breakfast to which Pippin retorts "Yes, we've had breakfast, but what aboot second breakfast? elevensies? lunch? dinner? supper? afternooooon tea?" This drives the Weasley twins to the ground from laughter which erupts Merry into grabbing one of Gandalf's finest fireworks and launching it at the cackling firecroches point blank into oblivion.

Winners- Merry and Pippin

Voldemort vs. The Eye of Sauron

Location- On top of the roof

How it goes down- 10-15 staring match ensues, Voldemort blinks first then begins cursing the giant eye in parseltongue (to be continued).

Cedric Diggory vs. Edward Cullen

Location- A Random Woman's bathroom

How it goes down- Both contestants both begin slapping each other which slowly turns into a romantic face grazing session. Hostility quickly turns into love as the event quickly escalates into the two scissoring each other intensely on the floor of this particular ladies room. There are no observers for this match except for a drunk Captain Jack Sparrow who is propped up against a wall with a bottle of rum in hand and is getting aroused because he is mistaking this "fight" for softcore lesbian porn. A creepy Moaning Myrtle also lingers in a nearby stall giggling to herself. As the action picks up, Edward Cullen needs to get his blood meal and plants his juicy fangs on Cedric's neck which causes him to lose his grip and grab a nearby sink pipe for support which is actually a portkey that sends him to the roof for Voldemort to finish him off once again. Edward Cullen's heart then explodes because he has never been ditched mid-coitus and Moaning Myrtle flies out of the bathroom crying like a little bitch because something went wrong.

Winner- Captain Jack Sparrow?

Voldemort vs. Eye of Sauron (continued)

Cedric Diggory appears out of thin air, notes Voldemort, and sadly mutters to himself, "Not again". The eye of Sauron quickly adjusts to the newcomer and shines its powerful light upon him. Instinctively Voldemort casts the Dark Mark high into the sky and one by one the Death Eaters appear ready to feast on an innocent soul. The death eaters eventually surround Cedric and with a coordinated attack, cast an Aveda Kedavra at Cedric killing him instantly. As Voldemort and the death eaters cheer in Victory, Sauron himself has been ressurected by the One Sorcerer's Stone Ring to Rule them all and crashes the party by smiting every death eater in sight. Voldemort is the only one left and begins throwing death curse after death curse at Sauron which has no effect, magic is useless against this beast. Sauron grabs Voldemort by the slits by which he calls a nose and forces him to his knees to perform Seppuku on himself. At least he died with honor.

So what I have taken from this is that Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter parallel eachother to a dime, except that Lord of the Rings is about 10x more badass. I could go on all year making the same comparisons, but this blog has taken long enough as it is. The following battles were either too insignificant or I just simply couldn't think of a rundown for how they would fight. Here they are:

Shelob vs. Aragog (spider fight)

Wormtongue vs. Wormtail (betrayal/suicide fight)

Gimle vs. Professor Flitwick (Stairclimber match)

Faux, Buckbeak and Hedwig vs. Nazgul Dragon and Great Eagles of the West

Inferi vs. Fallen soldiers

Plantir vs. Harry's Prophecy

Gilderoy Lockhart vs. Aragorn

Please post on my facebook wall the approximate price you would pay to attend such an event like this.

Summer 09 -- The ecstasy of nothing and drunk times--

2009-07-01T13:58:00.001-07:00

For anyone who still reads this damn blog, I apologize upfront for being a lazy sack of shit, or Sam, and not blogging in nearly five months. Anyways, I am in a particularly odd optimistic, good mood at the moment primarily because I survived a lifting session with the Godfather after nearly drinking myself 20,000 leagues under the sea last night celebrating the conception of the dirtiest liberal to breathe fresh air, Joe"Second Trimester"bama. Heading off to work today I realized that I have a very enjoyable life at the moment, heres why:

-I am a broke ass college kid who blacks out approximately three nights a week. Although I have a job, my cash flow is most certainly negative due to my excessive drinking that outweighs my sad income roughly three dollars spent on booze for every dollar I make at my "job"

-It is the summer, and I have literally nothing to do except work and masterbait

-I live with some of the most entertaining people who also do nothing. It is Sammy Supafan, however, that takes the prize for being the best at doing nothing. On top of the broccoli he is growing in the community garden that he doesn't tend, Sam does not have a job and sits on our couch watching full baseball games via gamecast on his computer all day effectively making him as productive as the monster shits I occasionally leave in the toilet to shock the next innocent person to use the throne (usually iceman)-- innocence lost at its prime.

-I work in a parking garage where I continue to do literally nothing. I am currently there writing this blog as we speak. I spent the whole last shift (6 hours) playing the Sims 3 where I successfully proposed to a fiery redhead named Glenda nearly 10 minutes after meeting her (Sims time) by droppin 10 sly "flirts" with her. Yeah, Sims Scunt has got game.

With the advent of the car, kegs at the shire have become quite common this summer. To much surprise the parties have been quite successful except for when Bitch is present of course, then it is an automatic loss for everyone in the establishment, even Bitch himself (so bitch is basically constantly losing every waking minute of his goddamn life, which is great) Some Summer party highlights are the following:

-Hanging that slut Goldy above our kitchen

-Bitch falling down the stairs to "bounce" 6 people passed out in our living room and proceeding to pass out on the love sac with his pants around his ankles

-Boom Boom and Kevin chasing me with knives

-The Godfather showing up blacked out drunk and having a heart to heart with the Godfather of Phi Gamma Delta. The Godfather from FIJI told me that I was not indeed FIJI material to my face, that sad old hag paid $20 for his cup.

Note the hand around the waist

-Kicking a bunch of annoying girls out of my apartment by bestowing bad luck upon them by opening my umbrella inside above their heads until they left

-Making a fat girl buy me and the Godfather shots at the Church Key

-Slapping a sleeping bird on Mills street at 5:00 AM. Since I was doubtful that I would even make contact with the bird, I gave the bird a whole hearted, open palmed bitch slap that caused the innocent animal to scurry under a car to hide from me. This is one of the many reasons why I will be drinking beer in hell with Tucker Max and Bitch

-Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt

-Discovering that Bitch has no gag reflex which allows him to suck a shit ton of dick all of the time......................... or chug beer really fast

The best for last

On a random Sunday, the roommates all decide to go to the fraternity DTD and get railed by keg all day and all night. I end up talking with a girl that I've met a few times and finally get to a point in the conversation where I have to recall her name. Of course I fuck it up and start the guessing game, each guess digging me deeper and deeper into shame. About 25 guesses later I call over a shitfaced Joebama to help me guess this girls name and we trade off taking horrible guess after horrible guess. We finally figure out that this girls name is Lucy and Joebama instantaneously declares "that sounds like a hookers name" to Lucy's face which is followed shortly by a brisk backhand slap and a quick exit to the porch by Lucy. Lucy's friends then approach us and share that there is currently a bet on Lucy to see if she will hook up with someone at the party and they persuade Joebama that he is the fit individual for this task.... To the porch we go..... Joebama and I sit down by Lucy and before we even say a word Lucy says to Joebama, "Guess what? there was a guy in there that said my name sounds like a hooker's name!!".......This girl is too drunk to remember that Joe said that her name was a hookers name literally two minutes after it happened. Joebama immediately gets up enraged, throws a chair, and proclaims that he will go and kick the kids ass that said this. Dear reader, please note that there is an audience of about 10 people all actively engaged with this event due to their involvement with the bets placed on poor old Lucy. I chime in and tell her that it was Bitch that called her name a hooker name (Bitch left earlier because he is a lightweight and sucks). Joebama keeps repeating that he feels so offended that Bitch called this girls name a hooker name and starts winning over the hope to god blacked out Lucy... Incredible... Lucy takes a break to go to the bathroom and Joebama makes his move and kiss closes Lucy and the crowd goes wild. We are two steps out the door and Joe decides to go back and tell her that he is the guy who called her name a hooker name and then leaves her in the dust, only God can help her now. Meanwhile Suppafan is getting beer bong fucked during the whole Lucy hooker ordeal and decides to take a full pitcher beer bong before we head out. Since Joebama and Suppafan biked over to this frat house, we start our long walk home to the shire. Suppafan is too drunk to WALK his bike home. After babbling jibberish and jargon for a good chunk of the journey, Suppafan stops at the corner of University and Park street and starts pissing himself. For all the non Madison readers, this is probably the busiest spot for traffic in the city. Shortly after pissing himself, Soup proclaims that he "is going to do it" and proceeds to get on his bike, pedals twice and falls over into a plastic orange construction fence on University. I come over to help him get up, he is trapped under his bike and in a sad puddle of his own piss, as I take the bike off of him he just kept muttering "fuck my life". He continued to eat shit two more times walking his bike before we got home. We finally get back to the shire and everyone insists that Soup should change his shorts before he passes out. Soup declines the offer and ends up sleeping in his piss soaked shorts in a sleeping bag on the floor of his room. We find blood in the bathroom the next morning.

I have such a clear memory of this because I was surprisingly sober this night, something about drinking heavily in a frat scares me a bit. Soup and Joebama loved their experience so much that they are going to rush DTD in the fall.

The Threat System©

2009-02-12T21:21:00.000-08:00

Upon request by my liberal roommate who now goes by Joe “Second Trimester” Bama (In honor of the combination of the new second tri abortion clinic coming to Madison, and the record of second trimester abortions Joe has been personally responsible for himself--44), and a story in the badger herald about a 68 year old South Korean woman (triple threat—you will find out what that means later) failed a staggering 771 consecutive written driving exams—she hasn’t even been behind the wheel yet. I have decided to write a blog about the biggest dangers to our streets, threats. Real talk fam’

DISCLAIMER: The following safety/awareness structure has been carefully put together by the insightful strategery of fellow friend and West Warrior who reigns from the great city of Wausau , Cameron Paul Wiegert. I fully credit all the following classifications and discoveries to his name; I am merely a canvas for the awareness of threats everywhere in the world via this blog. Some may think that The Threat System© may be strongly sexist and/or racist, but the following information is theorized and backed by multiple personal accounts and numerous recurring events through many eye witnesses and victims.

What are threats? You are probably asking yourself. Threats are a combination of multiple traits that some drivers have that dramatically increase the probability of crashing a car and dangering and possibly killing anything riding inside ten times over.

Note: Threats build on each other as certain threats obtains qualities from all three threat qualities thus emerging the classification of the subspecies pertaining of single threats, double threats, and the rare occasion of a triple threat.

THREAT #1(single threat): Being a Woman

Yes, for all the people who are reading this without a Sir Martin Wagstaff hanging between their legs, you are a threat, sorry. Woman drivers are often criticized as being bad drivers and this stereotype contributes to the threat system in a major way (The short attention span and obsession with driving while talking on the phone confirms this for me). The interesting thing about being a single threat is that you don’t have to be able to drive a car to be this species of a threat. The second a baby girl comes out of the womb— she is born with the unfortunate foreboding burden of being a bad driver; she is, and will always be for the the rest of her life, a threat. Boom roasted. When single threats are behind the wheel it is imperative that one riding must wear a seatbelt for the case of a soon to be accident.

A notable personal single threat scare goes as follows:

-Julia Gulia from Habitat (you wanted a shoutout, here it is) was the notorious driver of “Blue Steel” who, after being persuaded by a great amount of peer pressure (from other fellow single threats) decided to cut through two lanes of traffic and randomly performed a U-turn through oncoming traffic on both sides nearly ending all the lives in that car. The saddest part about this event was that it was followed by a chorus of cheers by the other single threats as if their lives didn’t flash before their eyes like it did for me and Bear (Kevin).

THREAT #2 (double threat): An Asian Woman Driving or an Old Woman Driving

The language barrier and the driving habits of typical women does not bode well for this subspecies of double threat. Just last year, I witnessed a double threat T-bone a gentlemen in front of engineering hall (clearly her fault) and she got out of her car and had no idea what was happening during the whole accident interaction between her and her victim. The other subspecies of Double Threat belongs to old women, specifically senior ladies. As a single threat gets older, her small amount of motor skills if any, has become next to none and presents some of the most dangerous driving known to man. The worst driver I know, my mom, is soon heading into a well deserved double threat-hood here soon. . Praying to an upper being should start happening when you enter a car with a double threat behind the wheel because this could be your last ride*. Now now dear reader, by now you have probably come up with some contradictions to claims about The Threat System© such as, what about an Old male? Is he considered a threat as well since his motor skills are not as sharp? Let me make this clear right now… All males, no matter what the age or race, are immune from all threatdom. In fact, if you are an asian male driver the threat effects are actually reversed and you become a benefit to the roads. Asian males are the only people qualified to obtain the highly honored title of “Drift King” or DK according to the accurate documentation of the Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift. This elite class of individuals owns the road and deserves street recognition similar to squad cars or ambulances with sirens on. Current DK’s of Madison includes myself and all the boys at 901 Oakland who drive

THREAT #3 (Triple Threat): An Old Asian Woman Driving

As mentioned earlier, the triple threat is quite rare. This specimen is rare quite simply because no single or double threats live long enough to make it to triple threat status, or any triple threats out in the wild have such a high rate of death that there are only a few left to be seen in the wild. That being said, anytime you see a triple threat, you must take the moment and bless the stars for the rare sight that has been bestowed upon you. Getting into a car with a triple threat as a driver is like climbing into your own coffin, no praying will help you in this case as you would probably be safer jumping out of the door mid-transit than continuing on the suicide trip.

That is a summary of The Threat System©. I hope that you are now fully aware of what haunts the streets of planet earth.

Current House Rankings:

Tied for first is Scunt, Snark, Kevin, Kaldor, and Supa Fan.

In a distant sixth place is Bitch.

Probably not Going to do the Leg Press for a While

2009-01-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

As winter break comes to a dull end, the city of Madison has once again retained it's familiar tone of uggs sloshing around it's mystical streets ruining the bearers credence step by every ugly step. With a night filled with syllabi and not much homework, I decided to meander down to the shell and do a leg workout (a feat I have not attempted since probably highschool). I started that fateful workout on the machine that is commonly referred to as the leg press (picture below for those of you who do not know what a leg press is).

I situated myself inadvertantly in the odd contraption and began to get my swell on. During what would be maybe the fifth or sixth rep I was really feeling the burn and started to give it my all. With the extra burst of adrenaline came a loud rip out of my ass and I let a fart explode into a gallery of what would of course be three prim lookin' star gazers. I'm mid set, what do i do???? stop and say sorry? NO... I kept going and finish. With that mindset I let out two similar flares that sent the beauties away in disgust. Imagine if you will, that this was no normal fart, it was amplified exponentially due to the flushness of the seat upon my bum and the intense pressure of effort involved in the workout. I finished my set of 12 and declared to an audience of none a deliberate "safety" which constitutes its namesake in the legendary game that is, "doorknob".

Over break I went to Mobile, Alabama for a Habitat for Humanity trip and discovered two individuals who made giant leaps in the book of "people scunt respects"*. Their names are "tricky" Ricky, and Mike. These southerners are not tied down by the normal stresses of life that would normally consume either me or you. From chasing girls all over the carribean in his sailboat to riding shark boats and owning his own bar in St. Thomas; it is clear that with the stories Rick shared, he has lived an admirable life comparable to Forrest Gump. Rick's boat was unfortunately stricken by the whore of a hurricane that was Katrina. I fully agree with fellow liberal-elect Joebama, that if I were to suddenly trip upon a large sum of money somehow, he would be one of the first people i would track down to deliever a new boat to. Alabama opened my eyes to the realization that I am cursed in Cribbage; anyone sitting to the left of me will no doubtedly peg off my cards faster than a tailor on speed.

After I returned home from alabama, my brother actually decided to bring up the blog at the dinner table. Here's how it went:

RJ (Brother): "Did you hear Scunt has a blog?"
Mom: "Really? You should bring that up for me so I can see"
Me (interjecting from the toilet): "nooo, you really shouldn't"
Dad: "Why? whats on it? PORN?"

I wish dad, I wish.

Finally a shoutout to the roomate Supafan for coming out of the closet and courting something that isn't his right hand.

*I doubt anyone has even tried or will ever try to make any progress in advancing in the book of "people scunt respects"

Fail

2008-12-08T20:34:00.000-08:00

So this blog came about four days too late as I have, to my roommates predictions, folded on my personal "no shave December" endeavor within a week of the official announcement.. There are hopes that the facial hair will blossom in due time to compensate for my bloodthirsty receding hairline.. On the plus side, big shout out to the liberal Dream Doctor, Joebama (he has been analyzing my dreams for the last week), for the clutch purchase of the "read my blog" T-shirt at a local thrift store for an impressive bargain of $3.99. i apologize for the short blog, alas I must get back to the studies.
Random Fact:A smerf is the size of Three apples.

Grow a fucking beard you pussy

2008-12-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

Quick recap of thanksgiving recess. Quote of the weekend goes to my father who, shortly after my mom shrieked at him with an inferior feminine-witch-mudblood voice insisting that he pop the cork outside, he quickly retorted with a thundering masculine brilliance that sang through all the halls of the humble Uglow manor "HELL NO, I ALWAYS DO THE CORK INSIDE". Shortly after that illustrious display of manhood came the conversation of the weekend. I handsomly award this prestigious happening to my Grandma when she gaveme a serious explanation to why Philadelphia is not sunny after she misinterpreted my reference to the T.V. show.

Me: You know grandma, It's always sunny in philadelphia

Grandma: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it is NOT! let me tell you what.........(40 minute lecture)

Grandma Uhgz makes a chatty kathy sound mute. Though there is no way to prove it, there is no doubt in my mind that that woman holds the world record for the most words spoken out of a mouth in a lifetime, done deal.

As we come upon the last freezing leg of 2008, I have decided to embark on a mission to grow a beard to keep me cozy. I know, I know; Many of you know that I grow measly whiskers that comes no where close to the awesome toughness of a nigerian hair*** but Im going to let it fly anyways and accept whatever nasty shape it may take. I apologize in advance for anyone who has to bear witness to such an offensive item in the flesh. I plan to kick off the new year by liberating my face of any hair below my eyes.

As of today I have entered a new realm of horrible basketball players due to the actions a certain member of the 901 residence whom decided to invite a girl to his IM basketball team before me. For that I am shamed and will hide my face from public exposure for the next 3 days to symbolize my loss of innocence. The nosebleeds are where I belong now.

BREAKING NEWS: According to recent sources I have missed one of Boom's better farts from his liberal bum.

*** Not a racist comment, but rather a shout out to the incredible weezy F. Baby. See lyrics to "A milli" and you will understand.

Seeking Truth, Living with Doubt... the Fun Way

2008-11-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

Ok I just want to touch up on this really quick....It's very weird to think I will never be a teenager again, but fuck that weak, sappy shit, its only one more year till 21. Anyways, I was very satisfied with the last two weekends leading into the highly coveted thanksgiving celebration as I sought truth, while living with doubt*, and came across multiple self realizations.

Quite possibly one of the best highlights of my semester came last weekend when a certain Dana Insana's grandfather proceded to call me a "gypsy"after discovering I was indeed a badger fan from Minnesota much like his grand daughter. Instantly after that comment, I realized that I want to be just like that when I am a grandfather when my little gypsies flip the table on me and go to the badger-reject school that is, The University of Minnesota. I pray that the word "gypsy" still circulates the english language when that time comes. This little event showed me that there was indeed still hope in this world.

This last weekends was one of the funnest I have had in a while. It all started on thursday night, and when I put forth my best effort to come up a dirty sentence with the refrigerator word magnets on thursday night in a drunk stupor at one of my friends house. Rumor has it, I spent upwards to an hour assembling words. I will let you be the judge to see if it was worth my time rearranging those damn words. Here's the final product:

"man I need to bust a big mean job on my dumb smelly graduate summer sorority sister"
(I think it is funnier when you read it off of a refrigerator for some odd reason)

Friday night I played laser tag under the aliases of Bolt and Serenity and went on to let a bunch of 12 year olds bring the heat straight to my wheelhouse. I did find it funny however, that the blue team was a collaboration of about ten fourteen year old blonde girls that ran around in a giant pack much like the present Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority on campus here. Saying that, there was an added sense of ecstasy when I blasted those bitches in the face. I can safely say that those young ladies will be experts in the unique craft of spreading viruses ass to mouth when their time cums. oops, what?-- pun intended. I came to another realization later when I navigated my way into the madison night life-- I hate black light parties. I don't know whether its shit luck or what, but whenever I am at one of these black light parties I am always wearing a pair of jeans that has what apears to be a stain right next to my crotch under black light. I know that there is a short list of items that show up under black light, (yes, sperm shows up on this exclusive list and I'm not ruling it out by any means). Regardless of what it is, I have obviously washed the pants numerous times just to find myself disappointed at the next black light party to see that the mystery stain has not stepped down. So that is why i hate black light parties because i spend the whole time trying to cover my "bait" stain hoping that no one calls me out like Seth's blood spot in Superbad.

This weekend has also showed me that no girl is amazing at quarters.... ok sure there are some that can hang around in a game and pass the damn shot glass, but I have yet to see a dominate bouncing fembot that bounces quarters like she puts coins in a laundry machine. After the sad display I witnessed on thursday of about 15 minutes of HORRIBLY missed shots we had to resort to soccer tactics and pulled the red card from the book and sent her off. The future looks desperately bleak, sorry girls.

I caught a quick glance at Thanksgiving last night with the elustrious potluck at the bayapalooza party which I had quite a fun time at. Another self realization here.... I am horrible at keg stands, please forgive my sad attempt for anyone who witnessed. On the contrary, Huge shout out to the other birthday boy, Bayliss, who guzzled that shit up like he enjoyed getting waterboarded by the onslaught of liquid gold. Have a happy thanksgiving everyone, I am sure that you are as excited as I am to get naturally roofied by eating turkey.

*I doubt anyone in my physics class reads this, but my psycho physics professor's book for a class he's teaching next semester about Physics and Religion is called Seeking Truth, While living with doubt. The guy is a nutjob, while talking about duality with simple harmonic motions he mentioned that duality is much like heaven and earth---- It all makes sense now, earth is a temporary hell since you're teaching that class you southern bigot.

AHHHHH BIG BOOTY BIG BOOTY BIG BOOTY...

2008-11-11T21:46:00.001-08:00

I want to start off by congratulating the NFC North FIRST place Minnesota Vikings for their victory over the NFC North THIRD place packers in the DOME. The loss in MN has basically proven that A-Rodg and Brett Favre have finally landed a comparable common denominator; they both are excellant at sucking dick, and they both can't win in the metrodome****. On another note, with the weight of exams and schoolwork pressing us into a constant "case of the muhndays", I think I speak for us all when I say I am 100% ready for not only thanksgiving break, but winter break as well...Which brings me to my itinerary for the jolly vacation. I basically plan on spending approximately 60% of my time wasting time in a local Barnes and Noble reading/baitin' in arguably the best place to waste time on earth. I will stretch my solicitating power to the fullest until i get escorted out by force and follow up by dropping to my knees and continue to involuntarily defecate and urinate simultaneously in an act of innocence lost and expression of the first amendment. The next 10% of my time will be spent predicting plots in softcore porn videos on late night T.V. Another 10% of energy devoted to contemplating life in front of the yule log on public access T.V., 5% watching every movie in a theatre, and probably the last 15% baitin' to fill time.... GOD I CANNOT WAIT FOR BREAK. I hereby declare "All I want for Christmas is you" by the sexy Mariah Carey as the single greatest christmas song of all time. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

ASO to bitch for writing an ASO about me. SO to it not getting posted as I predicted, and finally ASO to bitch for allowing our door to get kicked in and for wasting our precious air by breathing.

**** Really, Packer fans take their Packers way too seriously.

Tubbytoast

2008-10-23T22:44:00.000-07:00

Fuck spring vegetables. Hooray Beer, I'm very thankful tonight to be done with the first set of midterms. Amen. However, I am disappointed in my roomates for not putting forth their best effort to blog about me. I am pleased I played a colorful game of quarters with flannel (Boom Boom), which brings me to the quote of the night ----"Flannel has got some jokes." I am sad, but proud to see Ari Gold move on in the hollywood ladder and become studio head. Fuck flannel for his comment throwing down my respect for the short bus. Ground control to major Tom,

Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

. Kevin has cucumbers growing out of her ears. Bitch sucks at hockey on xbox, he will never be good at anything. Da Da da da da, da da da da daaaaaa, da da da dun nuhhh nahhh, california here we come, right back where we started from. We all need sleep in the shire and animal crackers for sure. "I was like I hate my job, I'm gonna burn this mother down" and I was like "you better not, you better not". I would like to give a shout out to the movie "Titanic" for exposing all of us out there to nudity, with an innocent PG rating you have prematurely entered us into a world of greatness that we are all thankful for (yes, even you women readers have to agree). I dedicate the song of this post to my recent addiction with the O.C. of which I have watched 11 sad, long episodes in the last two days, WOOOOOOOOOWWWW. Don't judge me on this blog please. I love you, go fuck yourselves San Diego.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge"
-Albert Einstein

Sammy Superfan

2008-10-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

This is Sam. Sports authorities in this picture are arresting Sam for violating a dear man law of supporting multiple teams per sport (bandwagoning) and have placed him on a temporary ban from all sports until he has chosen to be loyal to 1 team per sport. This man has the broadest collection of sports apparel of anyone I know which has allowed him to be the right sports fan on any day, no matter the results. Sam reps from the city of "Kato" Minnesota and can be easily recognized around campus by two main phrases "OHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAH" and "IM DIGGIN THOSE HONEYS....... OHHHHH YEEEEAHHHH". Sam is probably the bravest masterbaiter in the apartment as he ceases to hide his actions by gallantly striding into the bathroom laptop in hand to "check his email" for atleast 30 minutes, to be conservative. Sam recently broke the record for the most hits at videobox.com today in a stylish fashion as he revolutionized the way the videogame Halo 3 is played by placing a video named "The Hitchhiker" (recommended by fellow blog follower kerisable4VP) right next to the xbox giving the gamers at the time something to watch while they wait to respawn or for a game to load, never a dull moment. One story I'm sure that will hang around to tell the grandkids is when Sam took a viagra out of curiosity and continued to masterbait a staggering five times in one day, this one event took a hit on his immune system which explains why he is always sick and has the sniffles. Clogging the drain in the tub from "Unknown" substances has been a hobby of Sam's and has caused a tide system in the shower. We have to make sure that it is low tide now before anyone decides to take a shower. This particular hobby has caused Iceman to almost lose his cool. Sam joins fellow roommate/liberal, Boom Boom, in a soiled participation in politics, which I find particularly surprising that he fell on one individual party given his wide support of multiple sports teams and an extreme attraction to “honeys” (Sarah Palin and/or Cindy Mccain). One thing I do have to credit Sam for though is that he has never once questioned my music selection contrary to many other members at 111i, and for that I give him dap. Fuck all the rest of y'all.

The next post will feature a collaboration of all my roomates view on me.

Iceman brrrrrrr

2008-10-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

Six people equally share the common grounds of 111 I, however there is one area in the apartment that belongs solely to one individual. Near the deep, cold caverns of the freezer is where the iceman dwells. He dominates storage by building his vast collection of frozen foods higher and higher to solidify his territory as marked, and to send a warning to all contenders that if they dare challenge him for his throne, he will cast the mightiest avalanche down upon them and they will quickly drown in a sea of frozen pizzas, chicken, and buffalo wings. The iceman keeps his hair extremely short in order to keep a consistently cool atmosphere around his thinking crown of approximately 2-3 degrees above absolute zero. Too long of a shag could cause dangerously high temperatures and could threaten the colossal frozen kingdom he has built with a catastrophic meltdown. Iceman’s illustrious dynasty began during the summer of 2007 when he lived in an industrial sized freezer at a Supervalu warehouse where frostbite caused his skin to change black, and where his blood froze and now he literally has ice flowing through his veins. When he is not busy holding his throne, the iceman tests his army tactics via call of duty 4 in a sequestered portion of his room on a small 8” television due to confidentiality of the precious material he is experimenting. The iceman is preparing for the best part of his year as winter season approaches where he can extend his dynasty out past the shallow boundaries of the freezer in 111 I. It will be no surprise to me who will be in control when hell truly does freeze over.

Ancient folklore dates Iceman's existence all the way back to when god created water for iceman to freeze.

Bitch

2008-10-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

This is bitch. I've literally been through it all with bitch through the thick and the thin (pun intended) from wee lads in kindergarten, through the prepubescent junior high times, all the way to the present prepubescent college days here at Madison. Bitch fell a few notches in my book during the summer of 2006 as he struck a fancy with fellow rednecks and jumped on the country bandwagon. This made our usual joyous singalong drives to school a major conflict of interest. A fond memory of bitch is when he dipped chewing tobacco inbetween his toes with hopes to attract tiggo-bittys (box) to his highly practiced genitals, a maneuver which he has coined "the bait and switch". Bitch is an "All-madden" masterbaiter; he has mastered this fine art by simply being consistently repetitive in his practice. I have theorized that by mastering his own "stick", it has allowed him to translate the skill to pick up any video game controller and go on to dominate any opponent in any game with uncanny ability. The proudest moment of bitch's life came within the last year when he crossed paths with another probable veteran masterbaiter on xbox live, and was granted residual access to arguably the greatest tool for baiters everywhere, videobox.com. Xbox live is also the site where the famous "Ohhh Da babaaaay" call was phrased and is continued to be used in present dialogue. No one else has endured as much time with scunt as bitch. Many good times have already been framed in history, and I'm sure there are many more to come.

Here is the evolution of Bitch's nickname in case any of you are curious.

Showin' (Mother of the Meathooks)

2008-10-09T15:15:00.000-07:00

This is showin'. Graced by the hand Zeus himself at birth*, this monster is the strongest person living at 111 i north mills, bar none. Shortly after birth, doctors were awestruck at the strong meathooks he was born with instead of hands. Although he has abnormal brute strength, showin' still gets nervous when he lifts weights and usually calls upon myself to spot him while he gets his "freak" show on. Whenever I'm not available, showin' usually turns to close friend "Hicks" and usually gets his swell on playing tackle mud football shirtless in front of the serf with their other close dudes. Showin' has quite the repetoire of classes which include Ochem, fucking people up, women's studies, and meat processing and packaging-emphasis on hooking. Showin' has yet to show his superior strength to hurt any individuals in front of my eyes, but when that day comes, I invite you all to come hide under a large mountain with the hopes to hide from the forces that are sure to emerge from the depths of hell and destroy anything in its way.

-sidenote- don't thumb wrestle with his toes, his toes are stronger than your thumbs. It's been proven, You will lose.

* There has been speculation that Zeus possessed a needle and syringe filled with human growth hormone near the time of conception. Despite strong visual evidence, nothing is confirmed.

Boom Boom does Bam Bam

2008-10-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

Over the next couple posts, I will express my view of the people I live with.

This is Boom Boom. From correcting grammar to finishing drawers*, he is very easily spotted as his large frame shines among the undersized tools that walk this campus. Some hobbies that boom enjoys include: scrabble, not showering, lounging, smoking cigarettes, drinking red dog, and playing halo. Boom is very passionate about his politics. His participation in the liberal party is quite similar to that of a third grader who is neck deep in mud from football at recess. Boom instilled fear in all the hearts of the residents of 111 I with an ulcer scare a few weeks back. I am happy to say he has made a full recovery and back to his old hobbies (see above). Even though he is packer fan, there is quite nothing like getting embraced by the bear claws that dwell south of the second amended arms he owns. If you ever need to contact boom you can probably find him doing his time honored sandstorm dance at parties, or tranquilly smoking Hookah Wednesday nights with Co.

* Asterisk denotes that the finishing of the drawer is now an event of the past since boom has stepped down from his position of finishing the drawer and no longer supports drinking of the drawer. Since boom is now done, I can safely say no one comes close to filling his shoes for finishing drawers. Last active drawer dates back to September 20, 2008 at the gracious household of 901 Oakland.

Uhgz

2008-10-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

As the leaves turn brown, so does my heart-- towards girls that wear uggs that is. To all girls out there **NEWSFLASH** UGGS are NOT cute, they are ugly and make girls more unattractive. The sound of the name alone makes me gag, which is a shortened version of its nasty relative "ugly" . Ugliness aside, from what I hear, they are also extremely ineffective as they get drenched whenever you walk in the snow or water. So they are both ugly and useless, deeming them valid to be exterminated from the earth forever. Please, anyone who is currently wearing uggs while reading this do the world a favor; take a saw and sever your leg precisely below the kneecap and give yourself a slap on the wound in an act of self-mortification. This simple disciplinary action will save you from making the same mistake twice. I hope you learn your lesson.

and if I ever see this in public, help me god, I will sever my own legs so I would never have to share the same ground with these sad souls.

This Man is a Cunt

2008-09-30T21:59:00.001-07:00

Part spite, and part truth has led me to hate A.J. Pierzynski more than any other baseball player on earth. He has a field presence like that of a fat 15 yr. old bully looking to get his dirty nose in any shit possible. Ontop of that, this bigot has recently bleached his gay hair blonde which solidifies his homosexuality. I hope a ray stings him in the heart like Steve Irwin.

On another note, I have discovered that riding a moped is the closest thing a human can ride in order to emulate a flying broom from Harry Potter. If Harry Potter came out of Diagon Alley right now, I would suggest riding a moped as a sub-par substitution for his electrifying Firebolt.

Brew crew and Baitin'

2008-09-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

although I am a Twins fan, I would like to congratulate all Brewers fans around the world today as they have been relieved of the drought that has been the last 26 years. My highlight of the game was the celebration in the bullpen as if the relief pitchers were nothing more than just fans going crazy (especially McClung), since they knew they weren't going in and fucking up the masterpiece that CC painted. I also like how the Milwaukee Brewers are the only team that would celebrate with cans of miller light to complement the champagne.... Good to see the state of Wisconsin do something semi-decent this weekend. But in the mean time, inbetween time, you work your thing, I'll work mine ;)

--David Wright has a girl voice--

Worst day of sports-- ever.

2008-09-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

After todays tragic events of a twins loss, brewers loss, and worst of all a Badgers loss to the whores from Ann Arbor, I believe the Mayan prediction of the world ending in 2012 should be moved up to present day 2008. As I post this blog, the sun sets on a broken city and seasons destroyed. I leave you in peace (little that is left) as I will now shower and wash myself clean before a much deserved night of non-remembrance.

Blog Vcard--gone.

2008-09-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hello world, This blog will change the way people read online for ages. I live in a humble abode called "the shire in the city" near Madison, WI and currently tearing the city down one coastie at a time. I enjoy high fives, OranGes, peeing anywhere but in a urinals, slow motion cameras, halo, and fat chicks. I do not like clipping my nails, brown sugar, falling up stairs, Michigan, socks, bitch, and cancer. If you see me on the streets, feel free to deliver a firm slap on the ass as we cross paths. Sidenote-- I want to lay the wood on Bitch for his comments about "SCUHOME". This blog will be open to criticism/praise.... So please as the late Will Smith once said "Bring the heat for real."