Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Ultimate Battle for the Goblet of Fire, Or there and back again.

As some of you may know, I am currently on a family vacation on the shores of Eire (Erie), Pennsylvania which has given me an ungodly amount of time to write this blog under the constant chatter of my grandma. The idea of this blog surfaced at a party when me and a friend were having a simple debate over who would win in a duel between Dumbledore and Gandalf then it struck me…… Instead of having a simple duel between two characters, why not make it the most over the top battle royale ever to hit the world of fantasy. I am going to warn you here reader, I have dug deep into the terminology, characters and references of both Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter (with some random other special guests) for some of these descriptions. My level of nerd will surely skyrocket after reading this. Honestly, there are only about four people I know that will be able to connect to every reference I make in this blog. Saying that, I hope you take out of this blog what you will and I hope you enjoy it although you might not be able to soak in all of the content. So I invite you now to come take a trip with me down the trail of ridiculous, honestly if you are neither a Harry Potter fan or a Lord of the Rings fan, stop here and save yourself A LOT of time.

Modern day 2012. The Roman Coliseum has been renovated and relocated to Minneapolis, Minnesota and is renamed the Hubert H. Metrodome II. This stadium is the most bad ass fighting stadium in all eternity, complete with retractable roof. It is dusk, you know that it is always the darkest before dawn as you walk up to this stadium knowing that you are about to see the most epic battle of all time between Lord of the Rings characters, Harry Potter Characters, and a few other random characters from other things. As you approach the stadium, it is like you are on your way to the Quidditch World Cup or the gates of Baradur themselves, whatever fits you best, hopefully not the latter. The anticipation builds as you hear “Requiem for a Dream” playing on the loudspeakers on the path leading up to the stadium (see music). You settle into your seats with a tall pint of Butterbeer and a loaf of Lembas bread to share with whomever company you share this magical night. Requiem fades to a gentle lull and then the action begins and “Just Like You Imagined” by Nine Inch Nails blasts over the loudspeakers and is continued to be played on a loop until the dust settles (change song to “Just Like you Imagined” right now) When “Clubbed to Death” is played randomly during the battles, time slows down and everything is in slow motion for the audience. Strap on your seat belts, here we go. (some of the pictures posted are way too small, so click them for a larger more lush version.)

Harry Potter vs. Frodo Baggins

Location- Steel Cage center of Coliseum floor

Stipulations- No magic is allowed inside of the steel cage for the main event. Frodo is allowed Sting, while Harry is allowed the sword of Gryffindor

Pregame- Frodo keeps asking Bilbo for a speech in the locker room. Bilbo curtly declines. Sam Gamgee peeps his head in the locker room and reassures Frodo that he will have a nice bowl of Old Toby packed when the match is over. Harry retreats to the room of requirements where he has Ginny Weasley tie his untied shoelace while he practices his patronus charm over and over again although he knows that there is no magic allowed and that he is indeed not fighting a dementor. Harry then swallows a handful of gillyweed and chases it with a brisk double shot of everclear and says with a smug grin on his face “thanks dudders” and heads out to the steel cage.

How it goes down- After staring at eachother for approximately 10 minutes neither party willing to make the first move due to fear, Harry’s childish arms get tired of holding the far too heavy sword of Gryffindor which allows Frodo to charge at Harry with a high pitched squeal and land a heavy blow from sting right square on the lightning bolt of Harry’s forehead causing Harry to have a migraine so intense that he is forced into a coma where he will have nightmares about Voldemort for the next six months. Harry awakes naked in a cardboard box on Diagon Alley and continues to cry about his parents in front of the Mirror of Erised for the rest of eternity in poverty.

Winner- Frodo Baggins

Sam Gamgee vs. Ron Weasley

Location- Steel Cage center floor (sharing with Harry and Frodo)

Stipulations- Ron is allowed scampers and Sam is allowed tobacco pipe (see picture)

Pregame- Ron is caught in a dilema about which ugly sweater he wants to wear from his mom. Sam is trying to eavesdrop on Ron while he chooses his sweater--unsuccessful.

How it goes down- Sam is in the corner smoking his pipe cooly staring down an obviously very nervous Ron. Ron throws his rat at Sam like a girl, who, without breaking his stare knocks down the flying rodent with ease. Sam finishes off the last tokes of his Old Toby, slowly puts down his pipe, rolls up his sleeves, and says right to Ron’s face, “This is for my old Gaffer” and spears Ron to the ground and pins him 1, 2, 3. The match is over in a little under 30 seconds which allows Sam to casually walk back to his pipe and watch the 10 minute pussy stalemate between Frodo and Harry. Knowing that Frodo surely can’t lose to a child, Sam packs his pipe with 80x salvia for his dear friend; he is going to get that little fucker, and he is going to get him good.

Winner- Sam Gamgee

Dumbledore vs. Gandalf the Grey

Location- On top of the steel cage

Stipulation- Magic allowed in a no holds barred buried alive match

Pregame- Both Dumbledore and Gandalf are on top of the steel cage staring at each other mysteriously. Dumbledore is slowly eating lemon drops while Gandalf is blowing smoke rings and smoke ships of Old Toby at Dumbledore tauntingly. Dumbledore is turned on by this “bad boy persona” and becomes slightly attracted to Gandalf and pulls out his Pensieve to capture his current though of Gandalf naked on top of a steel cage. Gandalf knows that Dumbledore is trying to get in his pants and responds to Dumbledore with a booming “ You shall not pass!” marking his heterosexuality with authority.

How it goes down- Dumbledore starts the match off by winking at Gandalf and slowly reaches into his chest pocket for another lemon drop to offer his opponent for good taste. Gandalf has had enough with this gay shit and throws the killing curse at Dumbledore (Yes, Gandalf knows the killing curse, he is that damn good) Dumbledore quickly counters and the two are locked in a classic wizards duel, who could have seen this coming…? The two are locked in this duel for quite some time until Gandalf’s dominating masculinity starts taking over and the match slowly goes Gandalf’s way. Gandalf has Dumbledore on his knees (sexual innuendo intended) and has a death stare into Dumbledore’s eyes, he has won this match and whispers seducingly into Dumbledore’s ear, “When the sun rises, look to the east.” If Dumbledore was attracted to Gandalf the Grey, then he will certainly take a fancy to Gandalf the White as well. In the last seconds of Dumbledore’s life, he curls his mouth into a sly grin and takes one last sexy wink at Gandalf and explodes into a burst of pink dust.

Winner- No decision--No one was buried alive.

Smeagol/Gollum vs. Doby and Kreacher the house elves.

Location- The catwalk of the retractable roof

Pregame- Smeagol is spotted in the septic pipes of the large stadium wildly throwing feces around singing riddles to himself and laughing sporadically. He seems oh so happy, no one can break this trance. Doby is busy making food for the near 14.5 million people in attendance while Kreacher is standing in the corner of a very dark room muttering obscenities and insults towards mudbloods under his breath.

How it goes down- Doby conjures a plate of turkey and gravy out of thin air and throws the plate at Smeagol. Smeagol snaps, causing him to flip on the Gollum switch and proceeds to fly at Doby and eat off Doby’s right ring finger. Doby and Gollum both grab a hold of eachothers throat and take turns exchanging headbutt after headbutt until both of them are knocked unconscious. Kreacher is unamused by these events and starts muttering insults about how he thinks Gollum is an anorexic house elf under his breath away from the action.

Winner- Kreacher

Lucius Malfoy vs. Haldir and Legolas

Location- Main floor outside of the steel cage

How it goes down- The battle begins by Lucius throwing a dirty sock at Haldir which Legolas shoots out of midair with his bow almost the instant it comes out of Lucius's hands. Haldir then comments on Lucius's beautiful long blond hair and questions him about what product he uses. Lucius is almost knocked off his feet by this compliment and, spying a folding chair nearby, asks Haldir if he would like him to comb his hair. Haldir accepts, and the three take turns combing each others hair while talking about life and how gay and how much of a failure Lucius's son is.

Winner- Lucius Malfoy, Haldir, Legolas, and long blond Hair

Sirius Black vs. Michael Vick

Location- Dog pit next to steel cage

Stipulation- Dogfight. The ministry of magic has forced Michael Vick to take the shape of a poodle and dogfight mass murderer Sirius Black in his animagus form as a black grim

How it goes down- The poodle is seen jumping and yelping in an attempt to escape the dog fighting ring. The grim has foam drooling from its mouth and slowly approaches the helpless poodle with much anger. In one fell swoop, the grim takes out the poodle with the most vicious takedown anyone inside the stadium has ever seen. The following sequence of events is too explicit to put into words. The crowd erupts in cheers.

Winner- Sirius Black as the Grim

Sorcerers Stone vs. One ring to rule them all

Location- A long buffet table next to the steel cage(I have a current obsession with large tables and would like to have a potluck dinner party on one in the near future, either ignore this comment or ask Joebama for more details)

How it goes down- Both objects lay motionless. Slowly but surely, the one ring is being pulled towards the sorcerers stone. Within the blink of an eye, the ring envelops the stone and both objects disappear into thin air. I will let the reader reach their own conclusions about the symbolism and meaning behind this result.

Nazgul vs. Dementor

Location- Main floor

Pregame- In a tunnel outside of the stadium, the Dementor finishes what he started in the Order of the Phoenix and eats Dudley Dursley's soul with a juicy Dementor's kiss. After this event, Dudley now walks around as a fat kid with a permanent stupid look on his face; he has now lost the ability to speak and still bears the pig tail that Hagrid placed on his sorry ass that fateful night that Harry turned 11. Nazgul is in a stable force feeding diesel gasoline to his dragon, this is how it and every other dragon is able to breathe fire.

How it goes down- Nazgul is walking slowly towards the buffet table that holds the ring of power, this creature has one goal and one goal only. Out of nowhere the Dementor starts flying around the Nazgul annoyingly as it readies itself to make its move in for a kiss. For about five strides the Nazgul ignores the Dementor as it keeps its eye on the prize. The Dementor then swoops in to plant its infamous Dementors kiss on the Nazgul in an attempt to take its soul. The Nazgul snags the Dementor by the throat and brings it within mere inches of its face teasingly asking for this "kiss", the Nazgul does not have any soul to offer to this inferior species since that train left in the year 2,251 of the Second Age. After impaling the Dementor's face five times with its sword, the Nazgul throws the Dementor against the steel cage and continues on to the buffet table only to reach the ring a few seconds too late before it disappears into oblivion. The Nazgul slowly turns its head towards the being that caused it to be seconds too late, it has a new purpose now: to exterminate all Dementor's. The Dementor summons the rest of the Dementor's in the world with a loud screech and retreats to Azkaban to begin fortifying for their last stand against the Nazgul and his ringwraiths.

Winner- Nazgul

Arwen and Galadriel vs. Bellatrix Lestrange and Molly Weasley

Location- Main floor

Arwen is hotttt

Pregame- In a locker room, Ginny Weasley is hard at work tying her mothers shoelaces while she debriefs Arwen and Galadriel on the bait and switch maneuver that they are going to pull on Bellatrix Lestrange. With shoelaces firmly tied, and an action plan ready to go,silence fills the room while Molly Weasley looks down as she paces the room to prepare a couple final words for the big battle; she stops, looks up at the attentive audience with a stern look on her face and proclaims, "It's time to send that bitch back where she came from. Back to hell." and continues to storm out to the battlefield with her troops following close behind. Five minutes before the match, Bellatrix is seen stumbling out of the backdoor of a local whorehouse named Sexworld II.

How it goes down- Arwen and Galadriel stand opposite Molly Weasley and Bellatrix Lestrange roughly 20 yards apart. Out of nowhere Ginny Weasley runs into the scene and begins tying Arwen and Galadriels shoelaces, it is all part of the plan. Bellatrix lets out a shriek of her bitch of a laugh and starts advancing in on the innocent and "unaware" Ginny Weasley. About five feet from Ginny, Molly Weasley abruptly stops Bellatrix by forcefully grabbing her mess of hair from behind. She pulls the wretch's ear close to her mouth and shouts "Not my daughter, you bitch!" and drops her with a cool Aveda Kedavra.

Loser- Bellatrix Lestrange

Elrond vs. Agent Smith

Location- The Matrix

Pregame- Bilbo Baggins plugs Elrond into a Matrix version of Rivendal to give him a false sense of having "home field advantage". This battle is being broadcast via the jumbotron since it takes place in the Matrix.

How it goes down- Upon arrival in the matrix, Agent Smith is already waiting for Elrond near a gentle waterfall in Rivendal and greets him with a slithery "Misssstttterrr Elrond. As the seconds pass, the number of Agent Smiths multiply tenfold and soon it is all Agent Smiths that fill the empty city of Rivendal, save Elrond of course. The crowd sees on the jumbo tron the last few shots of Elrond before he quickly drowns a sea of Agent Smiths as Bilbo notes the violent shaking of Elronds real body soon turn into a desolate motionless corpse. The match was literally over before it began due to the fact that Bilbo had no idea how to get Elrond out of the Matrix by dialing a phone in the Matrix because Bilbo simply does not know what a phone is.

Winner- Agent Smith(s)

Greybeard the Ent vs. The Whomping Willow vs. Oliver Wood

How it goes down- The whomping willow is filled with approximately 100 quaffles and 100 rogue bludgers dispersed through its many branches. The bludgers are violently hurled at a helpless Oliver Wood at the base of the tree, all of them landing a direct hit, knocking Oliver to the ground unconscious. The quaffles are then sent passed the immobile keeper and Lee Jordan flips the scoreboard to read Whomping Willow- 100 Gryffindor-0. Being the oldest living thing in Middle earth, Greybeard slowly creeps in on the Whomping Willow at a little under 1/2 mile per hour. The Whomping Willow takes a huge windup and knocks Greybeard all the way to the River Angren (Isen) where he belongs.

Winner- Whomping Willow

Uruk-hai vs. Fenrir Greyback vs. Brock Lesnar

Loacation- Boiler Room

Stipulation- Special Guest Referee Delores Umbridge

Pregame- There is instantly a bad vibe in the room with Umbridges presence. Uruk-Hai eats a small child (see picture), while Brock lesnar takes a nearby chainsaw and shotguns a keg of Coors Light and then throws the empty keg at Umbridge, calls her a dirty strumpet, walks over to her and gives her a mean F5. As she lies facedown, Uruk-Hai walks over and curbstomps Umbridge to confirm the kill. Meanwhile, Greyback has turned into a full Werewolf and finishes up Umbridge by viciously biting the words "I must not tell lies" into her back. The battle is now ready to begin.

How it goes down- All three boss hog diesels are staring intensely at one another in a triangle waiting for the first move to be made. Suddenly all three simultaneously start throwing haymakers at eachother one after another with full force without an inkling of a thought to throw up some sort of block in an act of defense. They are all taking these punches without showing any signs of letting down or weakness. Brock Lesnar finally decides to attempt an F5 on the Uruk-hai who intercepts him by the waist and pile drives him six feet under the ground. And Then there were two... Greyback and Uruk-hai both fly at eachother and collide midair with a powerful thud and continue to roll for a couple feet. The rolling stops and Uruk-hai ends up on top and begins to pumel greyback with punch after punch into submission. The Uruk-Hai then dips his hand into white paint and marks his opponents faces with the white hand. Sarumon would be proud.

Winner- Uruk-hai

Hagrid vs. Tom Bombadil vs. Hurley (From LOST)

Stipulation- Eating contest. The contestants may have their choice of food or drink to be consumed. Ruling will be determined by weighing out the food before and after. The contestant who has consumed the heaviest load will be claimed as the winner.

Food of choice-

Hagrid-20 liters of Fire whiskey and a 50 pound pink birthday cake that reads "Happy Birthday Harry" on it

Tom Bombadil- Since he is considered the master of wood, water, and hill. Tom has decided to tackle 20 gallons of water from the Withywindle river, the trunk of Old Man Willow, and a jar of dirt gathered outside of an Uglow (German for "low hill", gotta fit the definition of my name in somewhere) of the shire.

Hurley- The whole inventory of dharma beer and food from the island.

How it goes down- Hagrid makes the foolish mistake of crushing all 20 liters of Fire Whiskey in four minutes flat with no food as a base. The half giant ends up passing out with half of his cake on his trenchcoat and half unfinished muttering repeatedly to himself, "Your a wizard, Harry". Tom Bombadil begins merrily dancing while he consumes his water, wood, and dirt. Before long, he feels too bad about eating what he cares for so much, and begins entertaining the crowd by his illustrious ferry like dancing. While Hagrid and Tom Bombadil hold the crowds attention, Hurley secretly downs a mind blowing 500 pounds worth of Dharma beer and food, HE NEEDS TO GET BACK TO THE ISLAND FOR MORE FOOD!!! luckily Jack Shephard emerges through the crowd and extends the invitation back to the island for the fourtieth time, which he accepts grandiosely.

Winner- Hurley by a landslide, literally.

Balrog vs. Grawp the giant

Location- The brimstone of Hell

How it goes down- This one is quite obvious. Grawp playfully starts stumbling towards the Balrog who then takes the biggest windup and delivers the largest bitch slap which sends Grawp into another universe where he joins Frodo on the worst salvia trip ever.

Winner- Balrog

Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took vs. Fred and George Weasley

Location- Random concession stand

Pregame- Both hobbits sit in the Green Dragon express their fascination to one another that the beer comes in pints. There is actually a thirty second stretch of time during the giant battle where the whole stadium loses power and all 14.5 Million people in attendance get Rick Roll'd, followed shortly by the keyboard cat playing them off. This act of tom foolery is credited to none other than the Weasley twins.

How it goes down- Merry throws his pint of beer at the Weasley twins with enthusiasm and tells them, "This my friends is a pint." The Weasley twins counter by shoving canary creams, nosebleed nougats, puking pastilles, and ton-tongue toffees, down the hobbits throats. The next 15 minutes are spent by Fred and George laughing uncontrollably at the little hobbits go through bouts of diahrea, nosebleeds, puking, constapation, and uncontrallable bladders. After the hell fire ceases Pippin sits up and asks George when they will have breakfast, George responds by saying that they have already had breakfast to which Pippin retorts "Yes, we've had breakfast, but what aboot second breakfast? elevensies? lunch? dinner? supper? afternooooon tea?" This drives the Weasley twins to the ground from laughter which erupts Merry into grabbing one of Gandalf's finest fireworks and launching it at the cackling firecroches point blank into oblivion.

Winners- Merry and Pippin

Voldemort vs. The Eye of Sauron

Location- On top of the roof

How it goes down- 10-15 staring match ensues, Voldemort blinks first then begins cursing the giant eye in parseltongue (to be continued).

Cedric Diggory vs. Edward Cullen

Location- A Random Woman's bathroom

How it goes down- Both contestants both begin slapping each other which slowly turns into a romantic face grazing session. Hostility quickly turns into love as the event quickly escalates into the two scissoring each other intensely on the floor of this particular ladies room. There are no observers for this match except for a drunk Captain Jack Sparrow who is propped up against a wall with a bottle of rum in hand and is getting aroused because he is mistaking this "fight" for softcore lesbian porn. A creepy Moaning Myrtle also lingers in a nearby stall giggling to herself. As the action picks up, Edward Cullen needs to get his blood meal and plants his juicy fangs on Cedric's neck which causes him to lose his grip and grab a nearby sink pipe for support which is actually a portkey that sends him to the roof for Voldemort to finish him off once again. Edward Cullen's heart then explodes because he has never been ditched mid-coitus and Moaning Myrtle flies out of the bathroom crying like a little bitch because something went wrong.

Winner- Captain Jack Sparrow?

Voldemort vs. Eye of Sauron (continued)

Cedric Diggory appears out of thin air, notes Voldemort, and sadly mutters to himself, "Not again". The eye of Sauron quickly adjusts to the newcomer and shines its powerful light upon him. Instinctively Voldemort casts the Dark Mark high into the sky and one by one the Death Eaters appear ready to feast on an innocent soul. The death eaters eventually surround Cedric and with a coordinated attack, cast an Aveda Kedavra at Cedric killing him instantly. As Voldemort and the death eaters cheer in Victory, Sauron himself has been ressurected by the One Sorcerer's Stone Ring to Rule them all and crashes the party by smiting every death eater in sight. Voldemort is the only one left and begins throwing death curse after death curse at Sauron which has no effect, magic is useless against this beast. Sauron grabs Voldemort by the slits by which he calls a nose and forces him to his knees to perform Seppuku on himself. At least he died with honor.

So what I have taken from this is that Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter parallel eachother to a dime, except that Lord of the Rings is about 10x more badass. I could go on all year making the same comparisons, but this blog has taken long enough as it is. The following battles were either too insignificant or I just simply couldn't think of a rundown for how they would fight. Here they are:

Shelob vs. Aragog (spider fight)

Wormtongue vs. Wormtail (betrayal/suicide fight)

Gimle vs. Professor Flitwick (Stairclimber match)

Faux, Buckbeak and Hedwig vs. Nazgul Dragon and Great Eagles of the West

Inferi vs. Fallen soldiers

Plantir vs. Harry's Prophecy

Gilderoy Lockhart vs. Aragorn

Please post on my facebook wall the approximate price you would pay to attend such an event like this.


  1. written like a true ignorant muggle. if frodo can beat that eye how the fuck can the most murderous person ever not