For anyone who still reads this damn blog, I apologize upfront for being a lazy sack of shit, or Sam, and not blogging in nearly five months. Anyways, I am in a particularly odd optimistic, good mood at the moment primarily because I survived a lifting session with the Godfather after nearly drinking myself 20,000 leagues under the sea last night celebrating the conception of the dirtiest liberal to breathe fresh air, Joe"Second Trimester"bama. Heading off to work today I realized that I have a very enjoyable life at the moment, heres why:
-I am a broke ass college kid who blacks out approximately three nights a week. Although I have a job, my cash flow is most certainly negative due to my excessive drinking that outweighs my sad income roughly three dollars spent on booze for every dollar I make at my "job"
-It is the summer, and I have literally nothing to do except work and masterbait
-I live with some of the most entertaining people who also do nothing. It is Sammy Supafan, however, that takes the prize for being the best at doing nothing. On top of the broccoli he is growing in the community garden that he doesn't tend, Sam does not have a job and sits on our couch watching full baseball games via gamecast on his computer all day effectively making him as productive as the monster shits I occasionally leave in the toilet to shock the next innocent person to use the throne (usually iceman)-- innocence lost at its prime.
-I work in a parking garage where I continue to do literally nothing. I am currently there writing this blog as we speak. I spent the whole last shift (6 hours) playing the Sims 3 where I successfully proposed to a fiery redhead named Glenda nearly 10 minutes after meeting her (Sims time) by droppin 10 sly "flirts" with her. Yeah, Sims Scunt has got game.
With the advent of the car, kegs at the shire have become quite common this summer. To much surprise the parties have been quite successful except for when Bitch is present of course, then it is an automatic loss for everyone in the establishment, even Bitch himself (so bitch is basically constantly losing every waking minute of his goddamn life, which is great) Some Summer party highlights are the following:
-Hanging that slut Goldy above our kitchen
-Bitch falling down the stairs to "bounce" 6 people passed out in our living room and proceeding to pass out on the love sac with his pants around his ankles
-Boom Boom and Kevin chasing me with knives
-The Godfather showing up blacked out drunk and having a heart to heart with the Godfather of Phi Gamma Delta. The Godfather from FIJI told me that I was not indeed FIJI material to my face, that sad old hag paid $20 for his cup.
Note the hand around the waist
-Kicking a bunch of annoying girls out of my apartment by bestowing bad luck upon them by opening my umbrella inside above their heads until they left
-Making a fat girl buy me and the Godfather shots at the Church Key
-Slapping a sleeping bird on Mills street at 5:00 AM. Since I was doubtful that I would even make contact with the bird, I gave the bird a whole hearted, open palmed bitch slap that caused the innocent animal to scurry under a car to hide from me. This is one of the many reasons why I will be drinking beer in hell with Tucker Max and Bitch
-Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt
-Discovering that Bitch has no gag reflex which allows him to suck a shit ton of dick all of the time......................... or chug beer really fast
The best for last
On a random Sunday, the roommates all decide to go to the fraternity DTD and get railed by keg all day and all night. I end up talking with a girl that I've met a few times and finally get to a point in the conversation where I have to recall her name. Of course I fuck it up and start the guessing game, each guess digging me deeper and deeper into shame. About 25 guesses later I call over a shitfaced Joebama to help me guess this girls name and we trade off taking horrible guess after horrible guess. We finally figure out that this girls name is Lucy and Joebama instantaneously declares "that sounds like a hookers name" to Lucy's face which is followed shortly by a brisk backhand slap and a quick exit to the porch by Lucy. Lucy's friends then approach us and share that there is currently a bet on Lucy to see if she will hook up with someone at the party and they persuade Joebama that he is the fit individual for this task.... To the porch we go..... Joebama and I sit down by Lucy and before we even say a word Lucy says to Joebama, "Guess what? there was a guy in there that said my name sounds like a hooker's name!!".......This girl is too drunk to remember that Joe said that her name was a hookers name literally two minutes after it happened. Joebama immediately gets up enraged, throws a chair, and proclaims that he will go and kick the kids ass that said this. Dear reader, please note that there is an audience of about 10 people all actively engaged with this event due to their involvement with the bets placed on poor old Lucy. I chime in and tell her that it was Bitch that called her name a hooker name (Bitch left earlier because he is a lightweight and sucks). Joebama keeps repeating that he feels so offended that Bitch called this girls name a hooker name and starts winning over the hope to god blacked out Lucy... Incredible... Lucy takes a break to go to the bathroom and Joebama makes his move and kiss closes Lucy and the crowd goes wild. We are two steps out the door and Joe decides to go back and tell her that he is the guy who called her name a hooker name and then leaves her in the dust, only God can help her now. Meanwhile Suppafan is getting beer bong fucked during the whole Lucy hooker ordeal and decides to take a full pitcher beer bong before we head out. Since Joebama and Suppafan biked over to this frat house, we start our long walk home to the shire. Suppafan is too drunk to WALK his bike home. After babbling jibberish and jargon for a good chunk of the journey, Suppafan stops at the corner of University and Park street and starts pissing himself. For all the non Madison readers, this is probably the busiest spot for traffic in the city. Shortly after pissing himself, Soup proclaims that he "is going to do it" and proceeds to get on his bike, pedals twice and falls over into a plastic orange construction fence on University. I come over to help him get up, he is trapped under his bike and in a sad puddle of his own piss, as I take the bike off of him he just kept muttering "fuck my life". He continued to eat shit two more times walking his bike before we got home. We finally get back to the shire and everyone insists that Soup should change his shorts before he passes out. Soup declines the offer and ends up sleeping in his piss soaked shorts in a sleeping bag on the floor of his room. We find blood in the bathroom the next morning.
I have such a clear memory of this because I was surprisingly sober this night, something about drinking heavily in a frat scares me a bit. Soup and Joebama loved their experience so much that they are going to rush DTD in the fall.