Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Threat System©

Upon request by my liberal roommate who now goes by Joe “Second Trimester” Bama (In honor of the combination of the new second tri abortion clinic coming to Madison, and the record of second trimester abortions Joe has been personally responsible for himself--44), and a story in the badger herald about a 68 year old South Korean woman (triple threat—you will find out what that means later) failed a staggering 771 consecutive written driving exams—she hasn’t even been behind the wheel yet. I have decided to write a blog about the biggest dangers to our streets, threats. Real talk fam’

DISCLAIMER: The following safety/awareness structure has been carefully put together by the insightful strategery of fellow friend and West Warrior who reigns from the great city of Wausau , Cameron Paul Wiegert. I fully credit all the following classifications and discoveries to his name; I am merely a canvas for the awareness of threats everywhere in the world via this blog. Some may think that The Threat System© may be strongly sexist and/or racist, but the following information is theorized and backed by multiple personal accounts and numerous recurring events through many eye witnesses and victims.

What are threats? You are probably asking yourself. Threats are a combination of multiple traits that some drivers have that dramatically increase the probability of crashing a car and dangering and possibly killing anything riding inside ten times over.

Note: Threats build on each other as certain threats obtains qualities from all three threat qualities thus emerging the classification of the subspecies pertaining of single threats, double threats, and the rare occasion of a triple threat.

THREAT #1(single threat): Being a Woman

Yes, for all the people who are reading this without a Sir Martin Wagstaff hanging between their legs, you are a threat, sorry. Woman drivers are often criticized as being bad drivers and this stereotype contributes to the threat system in a major way (The short attention span and obsession with driving while talking on the phone confirms this for me). The interesting thing about being a single threat is that you don’t have to be able to drive a car to be this species of a threat. The second a baby girl comes out of the womb— she is born with the unfortunate foreboding burden of being a bad driver; she is, and will always be for the the rest of her life, a threat. Boom roasted. When single threats are behind the wheel it is imperative that one riding must wear a seatbelt for the case of a soon to be accident.

A notable personal single threat scare goes as follows:

-Julia Gulia from Habitat (you wanted a shoutout, here it is) was the notorious driver of “Blue Steel” who, after being persuaded by a great amount of peer pressure (from other fellow single threats) decided to cut through two lanes of traffic and randomly performed a U-turn through oncoming traffic on both sides nearly ending all the lives in that car. The saddest part about this event was that it was followed by a chorus of cheers by the other single threats as if their lives didn’t flash before their eyes like it did for me and Bear (Kevin).

THREAT #2 (double threat): An Asian Woman Driving or an Old Woman Driving

The language barrier and the driving habits of typical women does not bode well for this subspecies of double threat. Just last year, I witnessed a double threat T-bone a gentlemen in front of engineering hall (clearly her fault) and she got out of her car and had no idea what was happening during the whole accident interaction between her and her victim. The other subspecies of Double Threat belongs to old women, specifically senior ladies. As a single threat gets older, her small amount of motor skills if any, has become next to none and presents some of the most dangerous driving known to man. The worst driver I know, my mom, is soon heading into a well deserved double threat-hood here soon. . Praying to an upper being should start happening when you enter a car with a double threat behind the wheel because this could be your last ride*. Now now dear reader, by now you have probably come up with some contradictions to claims about The Threat System© such as, what about an Old male? Is he considered a threat as well since his motor skills are not as sharp? Let me make this clear right now… All males, no matter what the age or race, are immune from all threatdom. In fact, if you are an asian male driver the threat effects are actually reversed and you become a benefit to the roads. Asian males are the only people qualified to obtain the highly honored title of “Drift King” or DK according to the accurate documentation of the Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift. This elite class of individuals owns the road and deserves street recognition similar to squad cars or ambulances with sirens on. Current DK’s of Madison includes myself and all the boys at 901 Oakland who drive

THREAT #3 (Triple Threat): An Old Asian Woman Driving

As mentioned earlier, the triple threat is quite rare. This specimen is rare quite simply because no single or double threats live long enough to make it to triple threat status, or any triple threats out in the wild have such a high rate of death that there are only a few left to be seen in the wild. That being said, anytime you see a triple threat, you must take the moment and bless the stars for the rare sight that has been bestowed upon you. Getting into a car with a triple threat as a driver is like climbing into your own coffin, no praying will help you in this case as you would probably be safer jumping out of the door mid-transit than continuing on the suicide trip.

That is a summary of The Threat System©. I hope that you are now fully aware of what haunts the streets of planet earth.

Current House Rankings:

Tied for first is Scunt, Snark, Kevin, Kaldor, and Supa Fan.

In a distant sixth place is Bitch.


  1. HAHAHAHA! I love you scunt, thanks for the shoutout, although I must say the incident was far less dramatic/dangerous than you made it seem, and actually quite a lot of fun. over our wonderful week in alabama I clearly proved myself to be quite the fantastic driver and there is no denying that.

  2. a true single threat living up to her name... Bear says quite the contrary of your feelings Julia Gulia

  3. - Tom Butt loves you